There has to be a reason

The phrase "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade" well I'm tired of lemonade. I'm tired of the way life has cheated me out of so many things and it has perpetuated into the way I am and do things. Even the way I did not want to treat my children.

If my mother's hysterectomy had been performed a month or two earlier it not matter since I wouldn't be here to write this. There has to be a point to all of this, there has to be a reason why that procedure was not done. There has to be a reason I am here.

What was I cheated on? Well let's see, almost wasn't born, mother died when I was almost seven due to breast cancer, didn't grow up with my dad, we only saw each other occasionally, dream of being an architect never happened, no guidance to get into college after high school, and wasted too much time.

The only saving grace out of this is, in a round about way I am rewarded with a loving wife and two great children. But then that is where it seems to drift off again. I pick up the same pattern or relationship I had with my dad. Except I was here in the same house.

Now my son is grown and off to college and I don't think I taught him anything. I don't think I taught my daughter anything. I thought that if they watched they would learn. I learned that way.

The movie "Courageous" is 20 years too late for me, is it too late to turn back time or do I just stop, recognize and become better from now on?

I feel like now that my aging father is another person I have let down. I am too far away to be able to check on him, I rarely call, never write, what sort of son and father am I? It's easy to recognize a problem but much harder to fix. I can't fix it on my on, all I have ever done is [and this wont' be politically correct] nigger rigged my entire life. Bailing wire and duct tape with a good dose of hammer. That's how I have fixed things and look at where it is now.

There has to be a reason.